50 Shades of WTF!?

I recently borrowed this book from a friend. Admittedly, I wanted to see what all the hype was about and wanted to meet the illustrious Mr. Christian Grey.   Fast forward 24 hours and I wish un-reading was possible.   This book shouldn’t have been marketed as romance.  It is 100% badly written fantasy fiction.   

Fifty shades is atrocious writing.  E.L. James does  not know to descriptive word and she repeats incessantly.  Just because a writer puts loquacious or laborious in a few paragraphs does not make them a decent writer. It means they took the time to use a Thesaurus.    If someone edited this book and actually took out all of the repetitions the book would be 100 pages.  The following words/phrases should give you a sense of the novel because they are the only ones E.L. James knows:  bites her lip, blushes of crimson, flushes, cocks his head to the side, holy crap, holy shit, holy cow, he’s so freaking hot, smirks, mouth in a hard line, gasps, clamber, breath hitches, inner goddess, and laters, baby.  Also if one is going to write erotica maybe the writer shouldn’t refer to the vagina, clit, labia as down there.  And e-mail as a plot device is boring and lazy. 

Ana is bland, boring, clumsy, naïve and STUPID.  She wears clothes from Walmart and Old Navy which is a horrible crime that no successful billionaire would be attracted to. But she’s captivating in her own way because the most beautiful man in the world wants her.   Ana’s a virgin, of course, who can’t believe the most beautiful man in the world wants to spank, whip, and tie her up. Half the book is her conversing with her inner goddess about why Christian wants to spank, whip and tie her up.  But her inner goddess tells her he's the most beautiful man in the world so...get on with it. Ana loves British literature so I guess she has some depth? But it seems the only British novel she knows is Tess of the d'Ubervilles. Also, what college graduate in 2011 doesn’t have an email address? The answer would be Ana who is fortunate to have the most beautiful man in the world buy her a computer and set up an email account for her. 

Christian Grey. Rough childhood, self-made billionaire by 27, bachelor, most beautiful man in the world.  Has a yacht, house, helicopter, Audi R8.  He is an obsessive stalker whose only redeeming quality is he likes to fuck…A LOT.   That I can understand.  He has a long index finger and hooded eyes.  He has a beautiful body in which his pants hang low in that way.   Why does Christian like a girl with no experience, horrible taste in fashion, has no social skills and is a virgin?   Why does he all of the sudden want to make love instead of dominate?  Maybe James should have explored this type of psychology.  Instead Christian is a changed man because of the love of a bland, girl with no particular distinguishing traits who gasps and flushes crimson on every page.  Men don’t change. 

Fify Shades is safe, Disney fairy tale erotica. Women want the fairy tale. Christian gives gifts and deep down he’s just a wounded soul looking for the right woman.  The sex that Ana and Christian have isn’t that far into the BDSM world.  Tied-up, blind folded and spanked isn’t earth-shattering to me.  I think a lot of women believe they would be willing to go that far in their relationships.  If you decide to read it...enjoy it for the atrocity that it is. I suggest you start a drinking game for all  the uses of the variants freaking hot, inner goddess and laters, baby and the three variants of holy shit.  Happy reading.