50 Shades of WTF!?

I recently borrowed this book from a friend. Admittedly, I wanted to see what all the hype was about and wanted to meet the illustrious Mr. Christian Grey.   Fast forward 24 hours and I wish un-reading was possible.   This book shouldn’t have been marketed as romance.  It is 100% badly written fantasy fiction.   

Fifty shades is atrocious writing.  E.L. James does  not know to descriptive word and she repeats incessantly.  Just because a writer puts loquacious or laborious in a few paragraphs does not make them a decent writer. It means they took the time to use a Thesaurus.    If someone edited this book and actually took out all of the repetitions the book would be 100 pages.  The following words/phrases should give you a sense of the novel because they are the only ones E.L. James knows:  bites her lip, blushes of crimson, flushes, cocks his head to the side, holy crap, holy shit, holy cow, he’s so freaking hot, smirks, mouth in a hard line, gasps, clamber, breath hitches, inner goddess, and laters, baby.  Also if one is going to write erotica maybe the writer shouldn’t refer to the vagina, clit, labia as down there.  And e-mail as a plot device is boring and lazy. 

Ana is bland, boring, clumsy, naïve and STUPID.  She wears clothes from Walmart and Old Navy which is a horrible crime that no successful billionaire would be attracted to. But she’s captivating in her own way because the most beautiful man in the world wants her.   Ana’s a virgin, of course, who can’t believe the most beautiful man in the world wants to spank, whip, and tie her up. Half the book is her conversing with her inner goddess about why Christian wants to spank, whip and tie her up.  But her inner goddess tells her he's the most beautiful man in the world so...get on with it. Ana loves British literature so I guess she has some depth? But it seems the only British novel she knows is Tess of the d'Ubervilles. Also, what college graduate in 2011 doesn’t have an email address? The answer would be Ana who is fortunate to have the most beautiful man in the world buy her a computer and set up an email account for her. 

Christian Grey. Rough childhood, self-made billionaire by 27, bachelor, most beautiful man in the world.  Has a yacht, house, helicopter, Audi R8.  He is an obsessive stalker whose only redeeming quality is he likes to fuck…A LOT.   That I can understand.  He has a long index finger and hooded eyes.  He has a beautiful body in which his pants hang low in that way.   Why does Christian like a girl with no experience, horrible taste in fashion, has no social skills and is a virgin?   Why does he all of the sudden want to make love instead of dominate?  Maybe James should have explored this type of psychology.  Instead Christian is a changed man because of the love of a bland, girl with no particular distinguishing traits who gasps and flushes crimson on every page.  Men don’t change. 

Fify Shades is safe, Disney fairy tale erotica. Women want the fairy tale. Christian gives gifts and deep down he’s just a wounded soul looking for the right woman.  The sex that Ana and Christian have isn’t that far into the BDSM world.  Tied-up, blind folded and spanked isn’t earth-shattering to me.  I think a lot of women believe they would be willing to go that far in their relationships.  If you decide to read it...enjoy it for the atrocity that it is. I suggest you start a drinking game for all  the uses of the variants freaking hot, inner goddess and laters, baby and the three variants of holy shit.  Happy reading.   

Slow Burn

by Julie Garwood

Julie Garwood is one of my favorite romance authors.  I love her historical fiction and am rarely disappointed by anything she writes.  Slow Burn is a contemporary romance and it left me unsatisfied.  This is one of the worse romances I’ve read.  Boring.  No intense emotion.  No chemistry between Kate MacKenna and Dylan Buchanan (and Dylan is a sexy beast).  Dull love scenes.  The mystery, action and suspense were bland. The dialogue is definitely the strength in this story.  Give Slow Bur n a pass unless you are desperate. 

The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society

by Mary Ann Shaffer and Annie Barrows

Charming. Witty. Heartwarming. Exquisitely different from anything I’ve read in a very long time. Comprised of letters written to and from members of the Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society, this tale gently unwinds the stories of a group of people during the Occupation and Liberation of a tiny member of the Channel Islands. A compelling story that encompasses love, friendship, courage, war, loss and new beginnings.

Juliet, witty authoress of Izzy Bickerstaff Goes to War, is looking for the subject of her next book, her first book since the end of World War II. While in London, she is introduced to the Guernsey Literary Society through a letter sent to her by one of its founding members, the quiet and thoughtful, Dawsey Adams. So begins the story of the Occupation of Guernsey and the stories of courage of the Literary Society’s members. With each letter, exquisite details of the war’s effects on the island and its inhabitants endure bringing to life the hunger that existed due to food rations, loss of lovers and children and heart-wrenching choices that had to be made; send your children to England for protection or keep them with you during uncertain times and possibly death.

Juliet’s emotional journey is deep and as a reader you will go on the journey with you. An elegant book about the power of books and of friends. The Guernsey Lliterary and Potato Peel Pie Society is a gem. Treat yourself. I highly recommend it.

Temptation

by Jude Deveraux

Temperance O’Neil is a modern woman helping destitute women in NY, while having public spats with the mayor over appropriate housing for women and children. But all that changes when her new stepfather demands her return to Scotland or she herself will be destitute. So goes the harebrained scheme that introduces Temperance O’Neil and James McCairn, Laird.


Posing as a housekeeper to get James engaged, sooner rather than later, Temperance is a woman on a mission. The faster it’s done the faster she can return to the civilized life of NYC. Thrown into a dilapidated house with a man who has a gruff exterior is no easy feat for a woman like Temperance. But soon she sees through the grimy surface of James and the town to find a rare gem that is kind, intelligent and caring.

However, when opposites attract there are bound to be some bumps in the road. And Temperance and James can never get on the same page. There are definitely some kind moments and funny moments throughout the book. But for me there were a lot of infuriating moments because these two are their own worst enemies. But the ending is worth the wait.

This is a love story about the journey of two people trying to find love and happiness. It’s not always easy but sometimes it is definitely worth it. If you’re looking for hot sex then this isn’t for you. There are sweet kisses and a lot of glances and stares but that is about it. If you are looking for something sweet and innocent or a change of pace you won’t be disappointed by Temptation.

Cleopatra's Daughter

by Michelle Moran

Loved it. A great piece of historical fiction about loss, power, ambition and politics set against the backdrop of Ancient Rome after the deaths of one of the most passionate couples ever, Cleopatra and Marc Antony. The story is riveting and complex with a heroine, Queen Kleopatra Selene, who is charming and intelligent. Indulge in the rich details of historical figures and political strife of Imperial Rome and and you won’t be disappointed.

Selene and her twin brother Alexander are taken from Egypt after the death of their parents by Octavian, Antony’s conqueror, and shipped to Rome to become guests of Caesar.  Selene’s narration of the world around her is vivid with an authentic clarity. She is proud, charming, extremely intelligent and longs for the attention of handsome Marcellus, heir to Octavian. But she is unaware of the one man who can truly love her.

Selene is a pawn in the political and personal ambitions of Octavian and his wife as well as those around her. Realizing the dangers around her Selene navigates the treacherous minefields of power and privilege to stay alive and free…

The tension as Selene and Alexander become of age and a threat to Octavian and Rome is what makes the story jump from the page. Who can save the heirs to Egypt? The Red Eagle, Juba or Marcellus…or perhaps they must take matters into their own hands and realize the same fate as their mother.

If you love or even like historical fiction you will truly enjoy this book. Imperial Rome is a tumultuous setting and is filled with fascinating facets of life and intrigue to keep you engrossed until the end. Moran’s command of the material will have you grasping for more as you turn each page.

Fallen

by Lauren Kate

I am on the hunt for the perfect teen romance. I’m not even sure if it exists. Something with love and anger and sex and school and parents. A good ol’ fashioned bad boy thrown into the mix. After reading Evermore and loving it I decided to try another darker piece of teen romance. However, Fallen wasn’t it.

A young teen, Luce Price, is shipped off to boarding school in Savannah, her last chance at redemption for the sins of her past. Allowed to mix with other degenerates and outcasts, Luce’s chance at a new and improved path in life doesn’t seem within grasp anytime soon. But, Cam and the ultra bad boy, Daniel, definitely provide some distraction from the prison she’s in. But of course the one she wants doesn’t want her. Or does he?

Daniel is the ultimate mystery man. One minute he is giving her the bird and the next he is rescuing her. And the nice guy, Cam, showering her with attention and baubles isn’t enough to distract Luce from her thoughts of Daniel. Soon it seems that everyone is acting strange and the only sane ones are the readers trying to figure out what is going on.

I liked Daniel. I liked Luce. Didn’t like them together. I don’t understand why Luce had a pull to a boy who acted like a jerk. And there was nothing endearing about Daniel. Maybe his leather jacket. By the time Daniel’s secret was revealed I didn’t care. And there wasn’t enough back story to understand why he felt he had to act the way he did. I thought the ending was rushed and too many questions were left unanswered. But I guess that’s what Book 2 is for.

The ending left me disappointed and there wasn’t enough romance or love or interest to want me to recommend this book. I wish I had enough curiosity to read the sequel, Torment, but I don’t. I hoped Fallen would be darker and more lurid.

Rendezvous

by Amanda Quick

This is Amanda Quick at her best. A fast paced love story with a witty heroine and her restrained paramour. Augusta Ballinger and Earl of Graystone are enticing and their world of exclusive clubs and country estates is the perfect backdrop for these unlikely lovers.

Earl of Graystone has a wicked reputation. One that is haughty and aloof and on the prowl for the perfect bride with all of the necessary propriety expected of a woman. Augusta Ballinger is anything but. She is tenacious, has a sense of humor, and doesn’t conform to the rules of propriety in anyway. Which of course any respectable lady would do. But she is of the Northumberland Ballinger’s. She has a habit of not thinking rationally and getting herself into heaps of trouble and sticky situations. Luckily, for Augusta, Graystone is always one step ahead of her and there for the rescue.

Graystone surprisingly falls for Augusta, after all opposites do attract. Augusta and Graystone have hot chemistry from the moment they meet, with her on her knees and him making fun. Not looking for love but rather a companion and mother to his daughter it is charming to witness the relationship of these two develop amidst bumbles and ridiculously perilous situations. She is just the one to show the Earl how fun it can be to love without regard for rules and regulations. However, I was a bit stunned at the way he finally had her. Not the most romantic evening but it definitely steamed up the carriage.

The secondary characters of Sally, Scruggs, Peter and Claudia are equally as charming. I enjoyed reading about them all. The backdrop of Napoleon’s defeat at Waterloo and the web of spies that existed during that time make Rendezvous a pleasure to read. It’s fun, witty with a bit of mystery thrown in. If you find this don’t let it pass you by.